An Open Letter to Walter Palmer

Dear Wally,

Congratulations on becoming an international star on the Internet. I have tried, too, to become famous, but it hasn’t happened quickly for me. Neither has it been fast for you, I believe. Your first brush with fame was when you made headlines for a sexual assault charge. The charges disappeared quickly, or was that your manhood? I can’t be sure.

Then in 2008 you had another go when you shot a bear. But that turned ugly when they nearly arrested you. They say things happen in 3’s. Looks like they’re right. After shooting Cecil the Zimbabwean lion you have exploded on the net. Some people wish it was literally though. Strange how the hunter always becomes the hunted? Just when you think you’ve topped the food chain.

The backlash on the Internet seems to have affected you in the way of mending teeth. Your practice has now been closed for a few days. Some say you’ve bitten off more than you can chew. Cant be, though, you’re a dentist. Even though dentists aren’t real doctors. 

After shooting Cecil you said you had no knowledge of him being famous. That’s an awful lot of money and effort to kill an old lion. I wouldn’t have gone to all that effort. Maybe that’s why I never made medical school.

You should have tried going to the Kruger Park. For that money I’m sure they’d let you use nuclear weapons. More bang for your buck. Or Lion. Whatever.

Apparently you had a vehicle drag a dead animal along in order to lure Cecil out of the bush. This must be a new means of hunting; get the animal to come to you. Quite clever how things advance. Even fishing in a barrel seems difficult by comparison.  

A story on the news said that Cecil was skinned and left beheaded. If all you wanted was a lion head and skin, there are plenty of knock-offs around these days. You can get a handcrafted lookalike for next to nothing. I got the knock-off plastic version, but then again my knockers aren’t as large as yours to go into the wild and get the real deal.

Speaking of knockers, there’s talk that you’re going to make a court appearance, and if found guilty you could possibly face jail time. A word of advice from someone who lives on the African continent: Ingratiate yourself with the right crowd. Men in African prisons are extremely passionate and your sentence could seem like one long honeymoon. But I am sure a man who’s handled himself so well with beasts will have no trouble warding off mere human mortals.

An idea I have for when you return to the United States and resume the life you left before venturing to Zimbabwe. I suggest you look to invest in a Sony PlayStation and hunting games. That way you can hunt all the worlds’ animals into extinction without breaching the law. But more importantly it will keep your mind off the real thing. If you come here again one can’t promise that you won’t become a trophy yourself.

Good Riddance