Driving Lesson 101

A characteristic about me is that I enjoy a bit of an adventure, within limits, of course. I see nothing wrong with having a right foot made of lead when the occasion calls for it. Let’s just say it makes for some excitement and a good thrill from time to time.

Recently, I was unfortunate enough to hitch a ride to work with a friend of mine who also works in Randburg, Johannesburg. This concerned me as I know he has the driving ability of a senile senior citizen. Another worry was the fact that he is virtually blind and drives on instinct.

The truth is that I am a very nervous passenger in a car, and with this guy at the wheel, my gut suggested that I should’ve stocked up on Valium. The only thing that seemed to calm me down was the fact that he is not prone to road rage, but then again, I don’t think most people are.

That morning he collected me from my house and we set off for another day at work. At first, the visually impaired chauffeur was considerate as to my intentions to continue breathing without the assistance of a heart-lung machine. But, at some point that all went out the window, along with my deaf-defying screeching. The madness began when, out of the blue, Satan took hold of the wheel to steer us on a path of destruction.

The lunatic behind the wheel then decides to attempt what is known to petrol heads as a drift. The car skidded around the 90 degree corner at about 87km/h, making my eyeballs switch sockets with the G’s the car was pulling. Even Lewis Hamilton would have discharged his food southwards at that moment.

I glanced over at the devil to see why in God’s name he would attempt such a moronic manoeuvre. Through his bus-shield glasses, he looked at me and yelled with excitement. I imagine men let out such noises during mid-castration. If it wasn’t for the fact that we could have had an accident, I would have sunk my teeth into the porky brother. I couldn’t believe that a man who calls himself my friend would drive like that and put my life at risk!

Hell-raiser then saw another opportunity to wreak havoc on Jo’burg roads. Stupidly enough, he drove up behind taxis, trying to force them off the road so that he could pass. It doesn’t take an astrophysicist to realise that a paleface is no match for the 38 occupants of the 12-seater. To make matters worse, the taxi driver lost his cool and beckoned to the beach ball to pull over to resolve the issue.

I could see where this was heading. I was on the verge of losing a friend, plus I would have the additional chore of waiting at the morgue for his parent’s arrival. He then tried getting out the car to accost the taxi driver, using intimidating tactics like cracking his fleshy knuckles...

For the rest of this column, head to Exclusive Books or CNA and grab a copy of ‘Don’t Judge this Book by the Cover’, for R120.00. Alternatively you can purchase it from Kalahari and have it dropped off at your house. Below is the link.